In the beginning, there was PO. And, nobody liked Elijah. Luckily, nobody liked Bart either. Their personalities were formless and empty. But luckily, they found solace in each other. But their world was still filled with darkness.
PO said, “Let there be light,” and there was McCannon and Fletcher. Having set the Guinness Book World Record for Consecutive Hours Playing Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball, McCannon grew tired of the lopsided trade engine and crafting a lineup that rivaled the Gas House Gorillas. McCannon, knowing Eli yearned to double his friend count, saw the desperation and sold Eli the three-year old game for $20. McCannon called this “pure profit” and Elijah and Bart both “Jews.”
And PO said, “Let there be a chasm to separate Gentile from Zionist.” So Eli and Bart went to a gifted and talented program and McCannon and Fletch to a more traditional educational environment, where they would actually develop social skills. And Rudolph would move to PO from New Jersey. Rudy would make outrageous claims like he was one game away from the Little League World Series and he invented the question mark “in New Jersey.” PO heard Rudy’s hyperbole and PO knew that it was good. And the group would go to elementary school. And there was fifth grade, and there was sixth grade.
And PO said, “Let all these kids be gathered to one place.” And it was so. PO called this “McCannon’s House”. And PO saw that it was good. Then, PO said, “Let the house produce junk food: endless Cokes in the basement fridge, bags of Snyder’s pretzels, Famous Amos and endless cavities for all.” And PO saw that it was good. And there were games of manhunt and there were sleepovers.
And PO said, “Let another enter with even more freckles: a self-righteous bully who’s too much of a smart ass for his own good at the age of 11!” And it was so. Clifford came and called Rudy out for his lack of eyebrows, called Bart out for his stunted growth, called Elijah out for his false bravado, and called McCannon out for his laziness. And PO saw that it was good. And there was middle school and there was high school.
Then PO said, “Let yet another enter who’s soul is black and head blots out the sun.” And Alan was brought forth to bring balance to the world with much needed darkness. His rabble rousing and inability to arrive anywhere on time drove all parties crazy and endeared him to few. But he was there, he was always there, and it was good.
And PO said, “Let our group produce non-sequiturs: vivacious vulgarities, rampant references, hysterical hyperboles, and more.” And it was so. The vulgarities produced competitions, bets, late night wrestling matches, and debauchery. And PO saw that it was good. And there was much rejoicing.
And PO said, “Let them go to college, for this will test the bonds between them.” But PO was kind and made Interstates 81, 64, 68, and the haunted mountain. PO made cross school halloween parties, joint birthdays, Clifford’s-not-here parties, lopsided football rivalries, road trips, and summers home from school to do nearly nothing. And they would graduate. And they would be roommates. And PO saw that it was good.
So PO created this blog in its own image. PO blessed the writers – Fletch, Cliff, Irv, Rudy, Mac, Bart, and Eli- and said to them, “Be fruitful and populate the blog with posts; fill the internet and subdue it. Rule over the trollers and the memes and the bears on trampolines and over every other blog that has or ever will exist.”
PO saw all that it had made, and it was good.