Your weekly recap of the biggest thing to hit Washington since George.
“Only a Sith deals in absolutes.”
I really didn’t want to kick start our weekly RGIII/Redskins commentary with a quote from a Star Wars prequel, but it was unavoidable. Life demands overarching rules (like not quoting any George Lucas film directed after 1977) that apply to all situations. It frees yourself of knee-jerk reactions based on emotional reasoning. And, according to Obi-Wan, it puts you on the path to shooting lightning out of your hands. Which is fucking awesome.
One of my absolutes relates to sports. From an early age, I determined that I should always keep a finite list of athletes that I could never rationalize donning my favorite team’s colors. This list, officially dubbed the Sith List, would certainly turn over as time progressed, funneling out aging veterans in the twilight of their careers and cycling in young guns that will serve as my outlet for voicing pent up, misdirected frustration for years to come. In the event that any of my teams would ever trade for one of these players, I would turn on my master, the only family I’ve ever had, and the society that brought me in as one of their own. I would become a Sith.
And who is powerful enough to poison my innocent soul? At the moment, it’s:
- Chipper Jones
- Alex Rodriguez
- Roger Clemens (making his fourth re-appearance after multiple retirements)
- Tim Tebow
When rumors of Tebow’s availability started circulating this spring, I jokingly posted to my Facebook page that I would “quit life” if the Jets traded for him. Of course, this threat to kill myself over a football team’s player operations would never come to fruition, as Tebow plays quarterback. And the Jets already had a quarterback. So trading for another starting quarterback would mean that you would have to make a second trade to ship out your original starting quarterback who had already led you to two AFC Championship Games and is getting paid $58 million over 5 years, right?
Of course not. By pulling the trigger on The Tebow Trade, the Jets decided to create a media circus. With Rex Ryan as the ringmaster, Mark Sanchez fell into the role of liontamer, Vladimir Ducasse as the chair Sanchez holds to protect him from the onslaught of pass rushers, and Tebow perfectly slotted into the tight-rope walker position, convinced that, in the event he falls, God will save him from certain death.
Rather than be a man of my word and seppuku myself while screaming Mike Tannenbaum’s name out into the midnight sky (after all, our readers depend on me for long-winded witticisms to get them through the work day), I imposed an even crueler, self-imposed masochistic punishment for The Tebow Trade. I journeyed to the Dark Side. I decided to become a Redskins fan.
Many have asked me if I’m aware of what I’m getting myself into. People – I own a Brett Favre Jets jersey. I’m accustomed to the preseason hype of bringing in a sexy new quarterback, thinking that it will be the cure-all to an anemic offense. Despite that self-realization, I’ve got a business class ticket on the RG3 express.
Yesterday, I experienced my first game as a member of Burgundy and Gold Nation (do we call it that?). It started off in true Redskins fan tradition, by me losing track of what time kickoff was and missing the first seven minutes of the game as I half-assed it home from lunch, periodically checking my phone for updates on the game, but only after studying my fantasy football stat lines.
Once I started watching, however, I immediately soaked in all that RG3 had to offer. It was only when I reviewed the box score that I noticed a few shocking data points.
- 10 points in each of the 4 quarters, which is also RG3’s jersey number – coincidence? Or Chopper 4?
- Fourth most passing yards by a rookie quarterback in their debut. Whoa, what’s with the repetitive usage of the number 4? Does that mean he’s going to win 4 Superbowls? Just 4? More like 44.
- An 88-yard touchdown pass. Holy shit, which is 44 doubled, meaning he is going to win 44 Superbowls as a player and 44 more as the coach of the Redskins after he retires
It’s all coming together, like the pieces of the Death Star 2 (RIP DS1) circling Endor.
Many have walked down the slippery slope of the Sith side, and few, if any, have returned. By the time a new young Jets prospect comes along to save me from the grips of the Redskins, it may be too late.
Because under Emperor RG3, we can rule not only the NFL, but the galaxy. We can build Super Bowl winning teams and Super Star Destroyers. We can pray to God he never gets caught for steroids while finally finding those two missing droids. We can work on double-teaming Hakeem Nicks using corrupted Jedi mind tricks.
Search your feelings. You know it to be true.