The 85th Academy Awards are being presented this weekend and far be it from The PO Life to not get our word in before everyone starts patting each other on the back.

If you’re here it’s either because you have some sense about you or our weird SEO rankings made you think this is a porn website. Regardless of why you’re now stuck here, you might as well make the most of it.

We here at The PO Life like to fancy ourselves movie watchers (especially with one actually in Film School) and, between each other, have almost seen all of the Best Picture nominees. There’s more uncertainty about who will win ever since the Academy increased the number of contenders, but you’re in luck. This week we’ve put together our collective take on the movies up for the top award.

Come see what fair and objective opinions we have on this year’s nominees. And, since this is a movie discussion on the internet, don’t forget to hurl insults and defend your horse in the comments!

Amour
by Bart

I didn’t expect to see 85 year old tits as I looked forward to seeing Amour. Nor did I expect to see a decrepit, decomposing body. But most of all, I definitely did not expect to see a movie that would make me cringe in awe at the realistic depiction of a couples most intimate and tragic moments of their lives.

Did I like the movie? It is hard to tell. The acting was phenomenal to the point that I was so uncomfortable at the morbid reality of the situation that my own spirits rattled. I appreciated it for what it was, an incredible performance by two actors performing a brutal point in people’s lives: helplessness and dying. While Emmanuelle Riva is up for her own award, I think that Jean-Louis Trintignant did an equally beautiful job as the caretaker as the love of his life spirals downward into her inevitable death.

Chances to win: 1%

“I was reminded about how sick and old my Grandmother was. I am now severely depressed, but the movie was great.”
- Paul Blart Mall Cop

Argo
by Joey

Ben Affleck’s career arc is crazy. He went from a young up and coming star, to being overshadowed by his friend Matt Damon, to being ridiculed for his relationship with J-Lo, to making terrible movies including Gigli, Daredevil, and Jersey Girl. DAREDEVIL FOR GODS SAKE! He is now considered one of the best and most consistent directors in the business. He is 3/3 so far as a director with Gone Baby Gone, The Town, and Argo. Argo is probably the most “mainstream” of these movies, telling a feel good story about the good guys (USA! USA!) prevailing over the bad guys, which in this case is the Iranian’s. May I point out what an interesting time it was to make this movie? Do you think it’s a coincidence that the “bad” guys in this movie, which is set in 1980, are the same “bad” guys that we are worried about obtaining a nuclear weapon and are heavily involved in the War on Terror? Hmm. Ben Affleck, you are one smart motherfucker.

In regards to the actual movie, I found it entertaining, well-acted, and very well directed. Affleck somehow was able to build up the tension to a boiling point that had me on the edge of my seat, despite me knowing exactly what was going to happen. Did it deserve to be nominated? Yes. Do I think it was the best movie of the year? No. Did the movie have enough of Ben Affleck shirtless? DEFINITELY NOT. But I would give it a decent chance of winning the award. It hits all the right spots; it has a big name star, a talented director, momentum from the other awards shows, and a chip on its shoulder because Affleck got snubbed for “Best Director.” It also was extremely popular. As of right now, it is the odds on favorite to win the award.

Chances to win: 35%

“Ar! go be seein’ this movie.”
- Davey Jones

Beasts of the Southern Wild
By Al

I haven’t seen Beasts of the Southern Wild, but my girlfriend did and then explained the plot to me in length. From what I remember, it’s about a small bayou community called “The Bathtub” that gets destroyed by a Katrina-esque hurricane and the survivors’ fight to live off grilled catfood (read: catfood, not catfish).

Apparently the whole thing is very depressing and while my girlfriend liked it, she left the theater sapped of emotion and had no desire to do anything the rest of the night. This reminds me of the time I watched Requiem for a Dream in high school and went to bed immediately after – on a Friday evening – because I was so depressed after seeing all the characters’ lives fall apart.

I’m sure this is a good movie but, considering its competition, it feels like the Academy’s odd pick out (watch it win).

Chances to win: 1%

“Jared Leto’s character arc in Requiem for a Dream is so sad that I feel worse when Edward Norton beats him up in Fight Club.”
- Al Irving

Django Unchained
By Al

Years ago a few of us dreamt up Emancipation Annihilation, an antebellum revenge movie where eight-time Mr. Olympia Ronnie Coleman traveled through time to wreak havoc on plantation owners. This past year, the unoriginal, idea-stealing hack Quentin Tarantino made half of that movie.

In Django Unchained, Tarantino’s theme de jour is the insanity of slavery in the American South. For two hours and forty-five minutes you will be blasted with the abundant violence and dialogue that have come to define Tarantino’s films. The movie does not disappoint and features stellar performances by Jamie Foxx, Christoph Waltz, Leonardo DiCaprio, Samuel L. Jackson and the rest of the casualt- cast.

Whether you want to enjoy a couple hours of pulp about a man’s quest to rescue his wife or argue about the nature of justice later on the internet, this movie has something for everyone!

Given that Tarantino is hitting below the Mendoza Line when it comes to success at the Oscars, I don’t have high hopes for Django to bring home the statue.

Chances to win: 1%

“Simply the best revenge movie of the year.”
- Osama Bin Laden

Les Miserables
By Rudy

How can a remake of a movie based off of a play based off of a novel about French people bomb?

Just ask Russell Crowe. For some inexplicable reason, someone thought it was a good idea to allow the lead singer of “Russell Crowe & the Ordinary Fear of God” to play the third most important character (according to my girlfriend) in the most dramatic production ever to hit the Broadway stage (also according to my girlfriend). What could go wrong?

The answer: Everything.

It’s not that I don’t like singing in movies. Hell, I’ll do “A Whole New World” in acapella karaoke style right now. But singing every damn line of the movie? Every casual conversation? During fire fights? While sleeping with a man for a little bit of money?

That just gave me a brilliant idea – replace the iconic “I Dreamed a Dream” song with Anne Hathaway doing a cover of City High’s “What Would You Do?” They’re basically the same song. Think about it. That would have saved the movie.
Final thought: the Academy loves seeing the “Oscar bump” for previous hosts and would therefore love for Hugh to go home with not only the Best Actor award but as the lead in Best Picture.

Chances to win: 20%.

“This movie was far from being les miserable!”
- Hack Blog Writer

Future Casting Considerations: Amanda Seyfried as “Girl Ant #4” in A Bug’s Life 2

Life of Pi
by Merkyll

This movie was superb. I entered the film in total fear if a monumental botching of one of my favorite books.  What i got was the exact opposite. Not only did the film capture the peaceful and philosophical nature of Pi, it looked incredible while doing it.

You leave the film with one certainty: Ang Lee is absolutely obsessed with the Pacific Ocean.  Beautiful shots, great acting, and a loyal screenplay make this film a huge hit.

Chances to win: 1%

“Life of Pi?  More like Life of Fucking Awesome Movie with Tigers in it.”
- Sigmund and Freud

Lincoln
by Joey

I have heard a lot of talk from people that thought Lincoln was boring. Well I can say one thing with certainty: the people that say that are the worst kind of people. What isn’t interesting about watching Daniel Day-Lewis personify the greatest President of all time while he attempts to maneuver around the politics and prejudices of the 1800’s to free all of the slaves and bring an end to the bloodiest war our country has ever seen? Oh that’s right, NOTHING. Daniel Day-Lewis is arguably the greatest actor of all time and certainly the greatest actor of this generation. His performance itself is worth the price of admission. He will almost certainly win Best Actor and if you appreciate the medium at all, you will marvel at his performance. I was convinced by the end of the movie that they dug up Lincoln and somehow Obama used his Kenyan voodoo magic to resurrect Lincoln’s spirit and place it in Daniel Day-Lewis in order to further his leftist-communist takeover of this country along with Steven Spielberg.

I think Lincoln will likely win the Oscar. It is a period piece about the greatest President who ever lived, directed by Steven Spielberg, acted by Daniel Day-Lewis, Sally Field, and Tommy Lee Jones. That is like a multiple orgasm sexual experience for the voters; an absolute dream. I don’t think it was the best movie of the year (I personally enjoyed Django Unchained more) but I won’t be mad at all if it wins Best Picture because I think it is more than deserving.

Chances to win: 20%

“Even I would go to the theatre to see this one!”
- Dead Abraham Lincoln

Silver Linings Playbook
By Rudy

I’ll admit it right off the bat – I was highly skeptical of this. Everyone had hyped it up so much that I thought there was no way it could live up to expectations. Sure, it had stints here and there in different venues over the past few months, but it had yet to break out into mainstream media before the Oscar engine picked up steam in the fall. And once it did, everyone became so on board with it that my inner hipster revolted against recognizing it for what it truly is.

Once I saw it for my own eyes, however, I fell in love. My body hardened with every twist and turn it took. Its true beauty, hidden behind a thin layer of mystery and intrigue, captivated me. It fooled me into believing that it was palpable, that I project myself inside it. But alas, the two-dimensional constraints of the silver screen returned me to reality after this 122-minute odyssey.

I’m sorry. Was I supposed to write about the movie, or Jennifer Lawrence’s ass? In fairness, my eyes were focused on her for the majority of the movie so I missed out on its core theme. Also in fairness, that’s a lie. And I cried.

And kudos to the writing team of David Russell and Matthew Quick for the forced exposition. Cramming the definition of “parlay” down our throats for the last 30 minutes of the movie saved me from a lengthy explanation to my girlfriend afterwards and potentially exposing my gambling underbelly.

I think the Academy feels that they’ve done their piece in getting an underdog nominee in the mix this year through both this movie and Beasts. Plus, Bradley Cooper still has to pay his debts for All About Steve.

Chances to win: 5%

“Jennifer Lawrence’s ass alone deserves the Oscar.”
- Every guy ever who saw this movie

Zero Dark Thirty
By McCannon

I’m gonna come out and say it: Zero Dark Thirty kinda sucked.
Oh McCannon, you’re just trying to be a contrarian! Admit that it was interesting!

Yeah, it was interesting. At least the parts that actually seemed feasibly and connected to the real story were interesting. The raid scene was wonderful.

Jessica Chastain was amazing!

Jessica Chastain was without a doubt the worst part of this movie. Well, that’s not exactly right. Jessica Chastain’s character was without a doubt the worst part of this movie. Her character was unlikeable to the point of breaking the movie. As I said earlier, the raid scene was wonderful…the amount of “Maya” (Jessica Chastain’s character) in the raid scene? Zero (DARK THIRTY). To be fair, I don’t think it was Jessica’s fault — the screenwriter just fucked up the character. Her character is forced down our throats and into the narrative in ways so completely unbelievable, I just couldn’t stomach it. At one point she says “I’m the motherfucker who found the place” (or something) to the DIRECTOR OF THE CIA. She also utters the line “I’m going to find Osama and fucking kill him”. She’s an ANALYST.

Fuck you, McCannon. It’s a movie.

Yeah, but it’s trying to tell a true story in an incredibly serious manner — I don’t feel bad calling it unbelievable (in the bad sense). It’s honestly just not that good. Maya doesn’t work as the protagonist.  The final scene – supposed to be hard-hitting character-audience connection – is risible. I counted three times during the movie where the script had me flinching and looking down away from the screen because the dialogue or scene was so…what’s the right word…fucking shitty.

Fortunately for me, it seems the Oscar hype behind ZDT has faded a decent amount. Although, I think Argo (which will probably end up winning) was just as ridiculous in terms of any semblance of historical accuracy.

Chances to win: 15%

“Look for me shoehorned into an otherwise interesting storyline!”
- Doesn’t-Take-No-Shit Protagonist

But around here at the Po Life ain’t nobody got time for a Top 10 list, which is why we do the Friday Five. This week I bring to you, “The Top 5 Video Games of All Time.” Yes, this list has been done to death in a multitude of different fashions because, duh, the internet LOVES lists and the internet LOVES video games. But you know what? Those other lists are some shit. I looked at three different lists today and they all had the original Super Mario Brothers as the best game of all time. Are you kidding me!? Yes it was revolutionary and yes it helped save the video game industry and yes it may very well be the most influential game of all time, but the best? Shame you video game mass media; you’re better than that.

Yeah this game was tight, IN LIKE 1985. AMIRIGHT!?

That is where the little guy (me) comes in. I have been playing video games since as long as I can remember and consider myself pretty well versed in the subject. Some of my earliest memories involve me watching my brother play Megaman 2 on the original NES while I tried to memorize the levels. Video games have literally been a backbone of my upbringing and have been a constant throughout my entire life. I am perfect for a list like this because I don’t have any sponsors, I don’t have any hidden agenda, and I am not afraid to take some risks with my list. I know you’re thinking, “Joey, you write for a blog that gets 100 views a day, I wouldn’t exactly call your work risky.” Well thank you very much ever-present fake reader, who I often invoke because I am a terribly lazy writer, you are correct. But I have made this list up in my mind in so many different iterations, constantly adjusting the list as time goes on and the more games I play. So suck it.

As for how I put together the list, I am judging my favorite games based on some nebulous criteria that are hard to really quantify: how many times have I played it? Does the game still hold up today? How immersed into the game do I get? How much FUN did I have playing the game?

So feel free to judge, comment on, commend, insult, or hate on my list. Hopefully it will get you thinking about what your favorite games are too. In descending order:

5.  Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars

You don’t know how long I deliberated on the #5 spot on my list. I went back and forth between this and StarCraft 2 for a day before finally landing on the Plumber instead of Jim Raynor for one reason: I have significantly more fun playing Super Mario RPG than I do playing StarCraft 2. SC 2 is the best Real-Time Strategy (RTS) game of all time and I have played it about as much as I have played anything. But it is too frustrating and often leaves me angry as opposed to happy after a play session. So that leaves me my main man Mario.

I consider Super Mario RPG to be the greatest turn based “JRPG” of all time for several reasons. It takes most the annoying issues with traditional JRPG games and eliminates or mitigates them. Hate random encounters every two seconds? The only way to enter into a battle in Mario RPG is to run into a bad guy on screen. Hate grinding? The game progresses at such a pace that grinding is unnecessary. Hate androgynous, anime style characters that are completely un-relatable? Mario RPG’s cast of characters is filled with ones we all (mostly) know and love: Mario, Princess Peach, Bowser, Toadstool. The whole crew is back, with some awesome new characters (Geno, anyone?).

It starts off as a typical Mario game; Bowser kidnaps the princess and it’s your job to save her. However, that tried and true mechanic soon gets turned on its head as you realize who is really behind all the chaos in the world. You even get to have Bowser AND Princess Peach as playable characters in your party. But what makes this game truly special is its charm, wit, combat system, and amount of content packed into the game. There are so many side quests that you have to discover for yourself (the game doesn’t call them out explicitly for you), that it takes multiple playthroughs to see and get through them all. The detail and love that went into this game truly shines throughout the whole experience. It was made by Square Enix and Nintendo back in the good ol’ days when they still worked together, so you know the production quality is superb.  I recently played and beat Super Mario RPG in the last year and loved every second of it. It completely engrossed me for the 10^th time. That’s the making of a great game.

4. Diablo 2: Lord of Destruction

Diablo ruins lives. This isn’t opinion or conjecture; it is a fact of life. I can’t tell you how many hours of sleep I lost playing this game or how many times I refused to go out with my friends on a Friday night because I just wanted to get one more Baal run in, praying that this time a Shako would drop and I would have quick enough hands to pick it up. I’ve had girlfriends yell at me for playing too much and friends seriously worry about my mental health because all I could talk about was what I traded my last SoJ for.

What makes Diablo 2 so great is that it gives you a sense of constant gratification while pushing you to search for more. Doing hell Mephisto runs over and over and over is like getting a slow drip of morphine every 5 minutes. It leaves you feeling just good enough that you want some more before the feeling runs out. No game has captured the collective imagination of the Po Life bloggers as much as Diablo 2. What we call, “Bringing it Back” is really just us dusting off our old CD keys and giving the game another go. And it always ends up the same way.

Elijah emails all of us asking if we want to bring it back. Cliff immediately jumps on board with a Barb, Merkyl is hesitant but gets sucked in by the lure of his MF Sorcerer, McCannon tries to resist but eventually starts a trap Assasin that he abandons at level 25, Bart gets all giddy and makes an Amazon, and I vehemently resist as long as possible. Then, I eventually get sucked in and start playing right as everybody starts getting bored with it. I grind up to level 85, gear up my Druid with elite gear, and take on the game’s final bosses by myself. Then I realize that everybody quit playing months ago and I haven’t seen my friends, or sunlight, in the same span of time.

Diablo 2 undoubtedly ruins lives, but it is one of the greatest video games ever.

3. Mass Effect 2

The Mass Effect series is a perfect match for me as a gamer. It basically is a Star Wars Action Role Playing Game set in the best video game universe of all time with sexy blue aliens. Within it is a detailed morality system, interesting and complex characters, an amazing breadth of content, choices that actually matter, and a storyline that you can connect with. At one point in time this would have gone at the top of my list. I don’t know if some of the luster has rubbed off on it because I haven’t played it in a couple years or that Mass Effect 3** has somehow lessened the experience for me. But regardless, Mass Effect 2 is a masterpiece of a game.

The space saga that unfolds in Mass Effect 2 is some of the greatest storytelling in video game history. The story centers around Commander Shepard as he pulls together a specialized crew specifically designed to save the galaxy from impending doom. The game never takes its foot off the pedal as you rush to save world from the Reapers, who are hell bent on destroying all organic life and thus completing the cycle they were designed to finish. The amazing thing about Mass Effect 2 is that while you always have a sense of the larger war being waged around you, the story is very intimate and personal. You make connections with every crew member by taking part in their ‘loyalty’ mission. As I learned a little bit about them and their past, I found myself legitimately caring about all of the characters. You form relationships, bonds, and sexual encounters that you generally care about, something that few other games are able to accomplish. I didn’t want to save the world just so I could say I beat the game, I wanted to save the world because I cared about the people that inhabited it.

The game also features some of the best graphics to date, a world that feels like it is actually inhabited, and smooth, effortless gameplay that adds to the whole experience. While the game isn’t perfect, it is completely engrossing and memorable. From the moment I picked up the game, I couldn’t put it down again until all of my friends were safe and the galaxy saved. Except for Mordin. RIP buddy; you will never be forgotten.

2. Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past

When you read lists about the greatest games of all time you often find Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time listed as not only the best Zelda of all time, but it is usually is listed as the greatest game of all time as well. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVED Ocarina of Time and it barely missed making this list. But the best Zelda game of all time is A Link to the Past and I don’t think there is much question about it.

If you haven’t played this game, immediately stop what you are doing and go play it. Right now. I am dead serious. A Link to the Past has everything a great Zelda game should have: a grand adventure of a small boy from humble beginnings, hidden rooms and treasures, interesting puzzles, sharp game play, charm, the master sword, heart containers, great music, and fun boss battles. It also had the first “Parallel World,” known as the Dark World, in all of the Zelda games. This was as mind blowing for me as the first time I experienced a woman. It also set a precedent for several future Zelda games, including Ocarina. This may not seem crazy to us know, but in 1991 when the game was released, it was pretty much unheard of.

McCannon claims he has beaten this game more times than he has any other game and is a self-proclaimed Link to the Past master. I personally have beaten the game on several occasions, including once in the last year, and I loved every second of it. This is the type of game that is truly ageless; we both will be able to pick it up in ten years and enjoy the experience just as much as we did the first time we played. Do yourself a favor and play this game as soon as possible. There isn’t much else that needs to be said.

1. BioShock

It is hard for me to put into words the experience of playing BioShock for the first time. I strongly believe that the first 30 minutes of this game are an absolute masterpiece in every sense. I don’t mean a masterpiece of a video game, but a masterpiece of art and storytelling. I remember playing the demo for the first time, which consisted of the first 30 minutes of the game, and becoming absolutely mesmerized.

“They told me, ‘Son, you’re special. You were born to do great things.’ You know what? They were right.”

You are on a plane, looking through your wallet at old pictures and puffing on a cigarette. Without warning, there is major turbulence. The plane crashes into the middle of the ocean in the black of the night. You struggle to reach the surface of the water as you are pulled in twenty different directions. You resist the urge to breathe underwater, straining with every fiber in your body to reach the surface in order to fill your lungs with the sting of oxygen.

Suddenly, fire. You see the airframe of the plane tumble through the water, descending into the depths of the ocean, lost to the world forever. You immediately come to the realization that there are no other survivors. It’s just you. You see a light house in the distance, your one beacon of humanity and your sole hope for survival. As you step into the light house the door closes behind you. Standing in front of you is a giant statue of a man holding a banner that reads, “NO GODS OR KINGS. ONLY MAN.”

You find an elevator, climb in, and are immediately submerged under water. Here, in your elevator-submarine, you are introduced to Andrew Ryan, the founder behind an underwater utopia named Rapture. You are immediately introduced to the cityscape and the main theme of Rapture through this short clip; individualism and its consequences.

As your journey in the submarine ends, you are thrown immediately into the violent and tortuous nature of Rapture as you witness a murder in the flickering lights of this underwater city. The murderer turns to you as you are still enclosed in your submarine, temporarily safe from the horror around you. He looks to you and says in more of a shriek than anything, “Is it someone new? AHHH!” At this point you are intensely aware of one thing; something is seriously wrong with this city.

I don’t want to spoil anything else in the game because nothing I can put together will do justice to the experience that is BioShock. No game has lasted with me longer, haunted me more, or engrossed me as much. I recommend that you play this game as soon as possible and without hesitation. You won’t be able to put it down once you pick it up. But remember one thing; a man chooses, a slave obeys.

Honorable Mentions: Zelda: Ocarina of Time, StarCraft 2, Tales of Symphonia, MegaMan 2, Mario 64, Donkey Kong 2, Goldeneye, Oblivion, Skyrim, Fallout 3, Super Mario World, and Super Mario Brothers 3.

*I apologize to anybody out there who is sans asshole who I have offended.

**I loved Mass Effect 3, but it didn’t quite draw me in like Mass Effect 2 did.

Earlier this week Disney CEO Bob Iger announced there are additional Star Wars movies being planned besides Episodes VII, VIII and IX which will each focus on a stand-alone character.

Alright so this sounds a lot like their approach to the Marvel franchise – which works – but since I’m a baleful movie critic I am not that excited. (Also, my tender inner child is still on the mend from the prequels [they’re all bad, don’t believe Joey’s apologist arguments])

Here’s what we know so far: two movies are in the works, one on Han Solo and one on Boba Fett. Ain’t It Cool News claimed one would be about Yoda but that’s apparently hearsay. (The prequels ruined Yoda anyway, so unless they’re going to delve into his adventures in Jedi afterlife I don’t care.)

The Star Wars universe is rich to explore and there’s so much you can do with it. Most importantly it’s not ours. Marvel movies have to be based on/around Earth (or alt-Earth) where they deal with boring humans and the characters have exceptional powers. Disney can focus on and include main characters in these spinoffs, but they should be actual movies and not follow the superhero formula. We also don’t need the Boba Fett movie. His mysteriousness is half of what makes him so tight and a movie would ruin that.

To limit my nerd rant and get to the point, this week’s Friday Five is a list of the next spinoff Star Wars movies Disney should concentrate on.

1. The Huttfather - The Hutts are a bunch of small time crooks when young Jaba is reluctantly pulled into the family business. After discovering a liking for the underworld Jaba’s ambition sends him and his family on the way to the top, but not without making a few enemies.

2. Cool Hand Luke - A gritty tale of life with a robotic hand where the protagonist wins over the hearts and minds of his brethren by drinking a gallon of blue milk in under and hour and not vomiting.

3. Coruscant Nights - A cryptic and very wealthy businessman wants a priceless Sith artifact from the Coruscant Museum of History and hires renowned scoundrel Lando Calrissian to get it for him. Lando needs the money to pay off a gambling debt, but soon learns there’s more to the artifact than meets the eye.

4. Alderaan Pie - Greg just graduated from high school and he’s finally worked up the nerve to approach his crush at the year-end blowout party. Before he can make his move, a strange moon appears in the sky and a panic sets in. Bruce must race to protect the girl he loves and get off Alderaan before it’s too late.

5. Shadows of the Empire - It was an awesome book. It was an awesome video game. Just turn this into a movie straight up.

Honorable mention for all you Bill Simmons fans: Teen Womprat.

Also:

“But,” the prince said, “don’t we eat the antelope?”

“Yes,” the king reassured him, “but let me explain. When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass. And so, we are all connected in the great Circle of Life.”

Man has been eating animal since before man was man. But, a very real and imminent threat, spearheaded by the Kale Chip industry and augmented by the Kelp Farmers of America is looking to change that. Don’t believe me?

Ask Taco Bell. They recently took a light jab at partygoers who bring veggie trays (and probably their kids and non-alcoholic beer) to Super Bowl Sunday, equating them to “punting on 4th & 1”. This apparently upset the vegetarian and nutritional community, whose arrogance towards having both a literal and metaphorical seat at the table prompted a new pigskin analogy from yours truly. Vegetarians are like Dan Snyder – self-righteous in nature, extravagant spenders on inferior products, and sufferers of cognitive dissonance, foolishly believing their stance will avert the inevitable slaughter.

Well, today, I say ‘I’ll give you my Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco when you pry it from my warm, greasy hands’. Eating animals is part of the great circle of life. Taco Bell shouldn’t have to apologize. And neither should America.

In honor of this week, the holiest of weeks, Meat Week, I bring you The Five Greatest Things About Eating Animals (Dr. Seuss Book Title Edition).

Now that you mention it LoveUsNotEatUs.com, I’d love to try Macaw.

1) Oh, the Places You’ll Go! – As a meat-eater, the world is a pristine tablecloth ready for you to tower over it with a full rack of barbecue ribs to your right and a 32oz. sweet tea to your left. Etiquette and pleasantries are thrown to the wind as you unsheathe the bone from its honey-smoked protectorate, devouring the later as quickly as you can discard the former. Soon to follow is the requisite lip-licking and finger-sucking, like a young rottweiler nursing its wounds after a date with the pack’s alpha male.

No matter where your travels may take you, from the Kyungdong Shijang Market in Seoul to a Ruby Tuesday in Gary, Indiana, you’ll always find an animal that’s a few links below you on the food chain — seasoned, sauced, sliced, and sauteed. The same can’t be said for non-meat-eaters. Whether it’s a vacation, night on the town, dinner for two at home, or family reunion, every eating decision is prefaced by a visit to Yelp or a skim of the recipe to ensure that it will fit the self-imposed dietary restrictions.

So venture forth young chicken connoisseurs and Angus artisans. There’s a whole world out there waiting for you to eat it.

2) Green Eggs and Ham – Imagine this scenario. You’re out late with your crew, partaking in one too many beverages, and find yourself waking up the next morning with a colossal hangover. Your remedy? Sustenance and matter, preferably through an IV.

But if you’re all out of clean needles and liquified lobster tail, perhaps your next best bet is a ham, egg, and cheese biscuit. The grease acts as a natural antibody for the invading alcohol virus, sending the cells back from whence they came. It’s science.

You might be saying to yourself, ‘wouldn’t just an egg and cheese biscuit work?’ Yes, it would work. But only if you were a meat-eater and the deli was out of ham, bacon, and sausage. If you’re eating eggs or cheese and you’re a self-proclaimed vegetarian, you’re wrong. That also goes for wearing leather, going to the circus, using most soaps, shampoos, and conditioners, having tires on your car, and oh yeah, FIREWORKS.

Now you’re just spitting in the face of our Founding Fathers, who valiantly fought to bring us to the top of the food chain.

3) One Fish, Two Fish, Red, Fish, Blue Fish - As a meat eater, you get variety. A cow has no less than twelve different cuts of meat, each one with its unique color, texture, and taste. Tofu has one color – bland, one texture – aerated Gak, and one taste – awful.

With meat, the possibilities are endless. You want your meat deep fried and stuffed between two donuts? Done. You want your bacon to form a trough? Only if you’re adding a delicious mixture of Mexican meat delicacies and topping it off with a healthy serving of Four Loko.

Hell, there’s even a class of meat for the AGE the beast was on it’s death-birthday. Veal is as tender as it is delicious. You catch it at the perfect time in a cow’s life – aged just enough so it has a little meat on its bones but slaughtered for your benefit before it enters its adolescent years of drugs and promiscuous sex. I like my cow free of black tar heroin remnants and bovine strains of the clap. Ergo, I like my veal.

4) I Am NOT Going to Get Up Today! – With nothing other than my own observances and incredulous attitude towards scientific studies that may prove otherwise, doesn’t it seem that people with non-traditional diets are ALWAYS getting sick?

Take a look as Ashton Kutcher, who adopted the “all fruit” diet in homage to the man he’ll be portraying in his next film, Steve Jobs. While his physical reaction to the diet was another item for the “No Shit Sherlock” file for the most of us, Oscar Saurus Rex (an ironic name for this column’s purposes) on “30 Bananas a Day” questioned where Ashton may have gone wrong. Was it a lack of calories? Bad food combining? Or maybe the people at Chinese Foooood spit in his General Tsos after he got violent against a helpless customer service advocate? Or maybe YOU WERE EATING NOTHING BUT FRUIT AND SUPPLEMENTED THE DIET YOU HAD FOR THE FIRST 34 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE BY EATING 30 BANANAS A DAY!

Going “natural” is unnatural. Eat regular and you’ll poop regular. That’s my credo.

5) Yertle the Turtle – Actually, come to think of it, don’t eat turtles. That’s fucked up dude.

He also tore his ACL and MCL, was involved in one of the biggest on-field controversies in recent sport, lost his first NFL playoff game, and underwent a complete knee reconstruction. Today, however, I do not want to talk about that time when even Stevie Wonder was screaming at Mike Shannahan to take Griff out of the game. That argument has been done to death. Today, I am going to give you the indisputable case for RGIII as Rookie of the Year.

With the NFL Award Season rapidly approaching, I thought today would be a perfect time to reflect on the season that RGIII had and why he deserved Rookie of the Year. A couple things before I start. We must first remember that ROY is an award for the entirety of the regular season. All 16 games count, from Week 1 to Week 17. The playoffs do not have anything to do with the award. Secondly, I realize that I am the most biased person in the world, excluding Robert Griffin Sr., to write this article. This is no exaggeration; after just one season, RGIII has vaulted Juan Dixon, Gilbert Arenas, and Sean Taylor as my favorite athlete of all time. That is no small feat in just 17 weeks. But I will do my best to ensure that my bias doesn’t play into the argument. Finally, I will try focus on why RGIII deserves the award; not as much why Russell Wilson and Andrew Luck do not deserve this award. They are both great players and would probably have won the award in any other year. But this year they have Black Gesus to compete with. Without further ado:

Not shown: Joey Greenthumb pleasuring himself in the corner.

There are really only two ways to evaluate a player: by his stats and by watching him play. In order to make a full evaluation of a player, you really need to evaluate both. Allow me to use basketball as an example. A player might put up gaudy stats (a la Carmelo Anthony), but if you watch him play, you really aren’t THAT overly impressed with him. Yes he is good, but watching him play doesn’t enhance your evaluation of the player; his stats tell most of the story. It works the other way too. Tim Duncan isn’t going to pop off the stat sheet and make you say WOW. But if you watch him play, he works his butt off, gobbles up rebounds, makes all the little plays, and kills on defense. He makes such an enormous impact on the game that is not represented in his statistical presence. This is how all sports need to be evaluated. That is how I will evaluate the Rookie of the Year.

Robert Griffin III led all rookies (and was third in the league behind Peyton Manning and Aaron Rodgers) in passer rating with a 102.4 score.

The passer rating stat in the NFL isn’t perfect. For example, Blaine Gabbert has a higher passer rating than Andrew Luck. But not a single person on this planet, not even Blaine’s wife, would pick him over Andrew Luck to successfully walk and chew gum at the same time, let alone play quarterback in the NFL. With that being said, it does heavily weigh two of arguably the most important aspects of playing quarterback in the NFL: a QB’s accuracy and how many interceptions he throws. Griffin? He leads the rookie pack with 65.6 completion % and has just 5 interceptions. 5! That basically is a good day for Tony Romo. Accurate passers who don’t turn the ball over are an absolute premium in the pass happy NFL, and nobody did it better this year than RGIII. Many of you are probably saying, “Yeah Joey, but we all know that Total QBR is a much more realistic statistic when rating an NFL quarterback! Start living in the 21^st century already.” Thank you dear reader! I will do just that.

How I feel about all of you right now.

Robert Griffin III led all rookies (and was sixth in the league) with a Total QBR of 71.4.

What QBR basically does is add rushing statistics, sacks taken, and several other statistics and weighs them to see how much value a QB added in clutch situations and how many points they add to a team. Or some other bullshit; I don’t know, I’m not a math major. Anyway, he leads all rookies in this category as well. That would be two for two. “Great Joey, but Andrew Luck and Russell Wilson led their teams to the playoffs! They won more games than RGIII did. How ‘bout DEM APPLES!?” Thanks for bringing up my next point!

Robert Griffin III led the Washington Redskins to their first NFC East Divisional Championship in 13 years.

People talk about how great the turnaround in Indianapolis was. They love to point to the fact that they won two games last year. That is great and all Indy fans, but you realize that you have a competent owner, a winning culture, and a Super Bowl in the last 10 years, right? You guys basically make the playoffs every season. You just happened to be awful last year. Great. Now imagine BEING TERRIBLE FOR 20 YEARS, then you can appreciate how special Griffin is and what he accomplished. He (almost) singlehandedly led a downtrodden franchise, who hadn’t won its division in 13 years and hasn’t been relevant in the NFL for 20, to a home playoff game. Russell Wilson was surrounded by a top five defense, a top 10 running back, a good offensive line, and a playoff team from a year ago. Luck played for arguably the best franchise in the NFL the last 15 years. What Griffin accomplished with this Redskins team, with a rookie RB, five straight losing seasons, a coach on the hot seat, and a terrible, injury riddled defense is truly astounding. No other rookie QB this year led their team to a home playoff game and division title. Not Andrew Luck, and not Russell Wilson.

Robert Griffin III set a rookie record with 815 rushing yards and only turned the ball over 8 times all year.

RGIII finished the season 20^th in rushing in the NFL. He out-rushed Michael Turner, Darren McFadden, Ryan Mathews, Willis McGahee, and DeMarco Murray. He basically is a top 15 running back mixed with a top five QB. He also turned the ball over just eight times total (5 ints, 3 fumbles lost). That is just astounding for a rookie. Wilson, by comparison, turned it over 15 times and Luck 28 times.

Robert Griffin III made these two plays.

Well that certainly passes the eye test.

He is a natural leader.

People have tried to make the argument throughout the year that Andrew Luck is a great leader and that’s why he deserves to win the award over RGIII. These people are boobs and obviously haven’t been paying much attention to what has happened here in Washington. RGIII was named as a captain after the bye week with his team’s record standing at 3-6. He stood up in front of the media and told his team and the world that they were still going to make the playoffs despite the fact that only four teams ever have started 3-6 and still made the playoffs. What did he do? He went on an absolute tear, helping lead his team to seven wins in a row, including five wins over divisional rivals. As a rookie! Ask anybody in DC what the difference this year was with the Redskins and they will all tell you it’s RGIII. It’s not only his playing ability, but also his work ethic, dedication, and leadership that have led the way. Not taking anything away from Luck, but RGIII is as much, if not more, of a leader than Luck.

There you have it folks. It honestly is unfathomable to me that anybody could put Luck or Wilson above RGIII for ROY. The numbers speak for themselves. The eye test speaks for itself. His consistency all year speaks for itself.

Finally, I will leave you with this story. I was at the mall in the Adidas store when the Redskins were 3-6 and had just lost to a bad Carolina team. Two kids, no older than 8 or 9, walked up to a poster with their dad. The dad said, “kids, do you know who that is?” They both immediately went wide eyed, and said “RGIII!” I happened to be wearing my RGIII jersey and pointed it out to the kids. We then all started chanting “RGIII! RGIII! RGIII!” in the middle of the mall. A player on a 3-6 team, playing for a franchise who hasn’t had anything to really smile about since 1991, and we were chanting RGIII’s name in public. When is the last time you saw something like that in DC?

Good luck on the recovery Griff; we are all pulling for you.

Joey Greenthumb:

You’re welcome world. While you were off getting ready for the Holidays with your loved ones, yours truly was off saving the world from apocalypse. Defeating the prophecy of the “Mayan Calendar” was no easy task, but it was a cakewalk compared to the “Doomsday Demon” I had to fight off back in 1409. That fucker packed a real punch. Other than saving all of humanity from imminent destruction, I have been busy teaching the youth of America how to dribble a basketball and run at the same time. And no I don’t mean Rudy and Eli, I mean 15 year old freshman who are significantly more athletic.

McCannon:
Jaying off on my day off

Eddy:
Not too much to report on my time away from the blog. Honestly I was never the biggest contributor so my life wasn’t altered too drastically. I did take a trip to Utah, but not the really Mormon skiing part of Utah. It was the slightly less Mormon hiking part of Utah. I also spent a lot of time with McCannon on his days off.

Merkyll:
I recently became the proud parent of a 1 year old Australian Shepherd.

Rudy:
Hey guys! Did you hear I’m going to grad school in the fall to get my MBA? Yeah, I’m going to grad school in the fall to get my MBA. I studied all summer for the GMATs and took a few months off from writing for The PO Life because I was preparing for my applications to grad school. Then, after I submitted my applications for grad school, I had some interviews. Then, after I had some interviews for grad school, I got some acceptance letters. Then, after I got some acceptance letters from grad schools, I got some scholarships from grad schools. Well not some scholarships, just really one scholarship. So, I’m now officially going to grad school this fall to get my MBA, but in the meantime, you can find me here on The PO Life. Instead of grad school (where I’ll be in the fall getting my MBA).

Eli:
I’ve been claiming to be a nerd for years now. I’ve lived my life acting like a full blown Sci Fi, fantasy, comic book geek. Sadly, I was caught in a web of my own lies. The geek police did a full audit and realized that I’ve been half assing it for years.
They didn’t revoke my status but I’ve been put on probation. The last six months have been spent rehashing the familiar works of of Gene Roddenberry, J.R.R Tolkien, and Orson Scott Card. I’ve also gone through nerd rehab by plowing through the finer points of Joss Whedon’s portfolio. I’m almost done with Battlestar Galactica and when I’m finished, they’ll take me off of probation. I’m finished coasting, though… hold onto your butt Isaac Asimov, I’m coming for you!

Cliff:
I’ve become the fakest (and yet most real) Redskins fan.
I’ve come back to Amurika.
I’ve taken up crochet in my spare time.
I’ve run my first 100 mile race.
I’ve invented the question mark.
I’ve recently become unemployed.
I’ve bought a fantastic pair of sunglasses.
I’ve caught up on sleep.
I’ve tried to scale back on my lying.
I’ve set goals for myself (like not lying so much).
I’ve eaten more vegetables.
I’ve come to grips with my own mortality.
I’ve really worked on my flossing.
I’ve absolutely detested hearing about everyone elses’ successes.
I’ve gotten off Facebook.
I’ve gotten back on to Facebook.
I’ve purchased many leatherbound books.
I’ve embraced change.
I’ve gotten a tattoo on my chest.  (It says YOLO in Chinese).

Al and Bart
Al and Bart, much like Bertram Grover Weeks of Sandlot fame, got really into the 60s. Nobody’s really heard from them.

Your weekly recap of the biggest thing to hit Washington since George.

RGIII is really, really good.  But you don’t need me to tell you that.  Every news source, fantasy league, NFL analyst, and Baylor alumn has talked him up all season and guess what?  He is even better than expected.  Few things are actually as good as advertised:  Lebron, Season II of Game of Thrones*#, Doritos Locos Tacos, and now – RGIII.  RGIII performs under both the stat geek analysis as well as that strange Jon Grudenesque analysis:  “DOES THIS GUY HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO PLAY THE MOST IMPORTANT POSITION ON THE FIELD IN THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE” which is generally half grunted from a guy wearing a terrible suit accompanied with a power knot.

Is there a single person who actually likes Mark Schlereth? Honestly?

As Eli convincingly noted in last week’s installment of You, Me, and RGIII, the best thing RGIII has brought to Washington is hope.  The 2012 Redskins probably won’t make the playoffs – but that doesn’t seem as disappointing as it would’ve in past years.  Instead, the two losses this season have felt like stepping stones in what promises to be a career filled with winning seasons, playoff runs, and endless subway commercials.

A useful way to assess the performance of RGIII this year is to put things into perspective.  It feels like ages ago, but in August of 2011 there was a legitimate debate in Washington on whether John Beck or Rex Grossman was a better quarterback.  Neither of them turned out to be even remotely productive by any measurably football statistic.  Shocker.

Because we here at the PO Life enjoy measurable football statistics, we will gauge RGIII’s game on Sunday by categorizing some plays into two straightforward statistics:  (1) Plays above Rex Grossman, and (2) Shit Only RGIII could do.

(1) (1st Quarter) 10:47 – successfully hands off to Alfred Morris – 1 PARG

(2) (1st Quarter) 10:00 – a side arm sling incomplete pass – 1 SORGIIICD

• all the more ironic, considering Rex was a side arm slinger.

(2) (1st Quarter) 4:00 – RGII drops back, scrambles, drop pass to Fullback Darell Young for 24 yard gain.  2 SORGIIICD

• this was the first clear “wow” play of the game.  Broken plays turned positive happen with very few QBS consistently.

(2) (1st Quarter) 2:10:  RGIII Jump pass to Fred Davis while he gets hit – about 15 yards from another broken play. 3 SORGIIICD

• Another broken play turned positive.  Doesn’t it feel like Fred Davis should be better?

(2) Final 10 seconds of the first quarter: RGIII bolts for the end zone, then strategically guides the ball to Garcon by fumbling it.  Touchdown.  4 SORGIIICD

• The old fumble forward routine.  Strangely underrated approach but no one questions RGIII’s novelty.

(1) (2nd Quarter) 13:47 – RGIII play action to Garcon on the run.  2 PARG

(2nd Quarter): Papa Bear won’t turn the channel from the Ryder cup (who can blame him?).  Amount of money I lay on Tiger winning the Ryder cup for the Americans on the 18th if Kaymer missed that putt: 1,000,545,000,041.

(2nd quarter) 9:00:  RGIII gets sacked in what HAS to be a safety but the refs question whether someone as good as RGIII is capable of such an insult.

• This falls into neither of the statistics, Rex could certainly get sacked.

(But RGIII “looks good when he strikes out”).

(2) (2nd quarter) 8:10  Bullet across the middle to Josh Morgan causing my Godfather to say “Look at that pass.”  5 SORGIIICD

(1) (2nd Quarter) 7:35 – RGIII makes a touchdown scramble look so easy a caveman could do it.  Redskins 14, Bucs 3.  3 PARG

• Just the threat of RGIII’s legs totally change the game.

Last Minute of the game#:  RGIII scrambles and manages to be the fastest guy on the field while running at 70% speed.  Gets absolutely laid out in the open and immediately gets up.  6 SORGIIICD

:18 The crowd IN TAMPA BAY starts chanting RGIII.

• Goosebumps.  All jokes aside about SORGIIICD – has a rookie QB ever had an opposing crowd chant his name on a game winning drive?

:03 –  Billy Cundiff hits a 42 yarder after starting the game 0-3.  RGIII wills the ball through the uprights and wins a game for the Skins 100% on his own.

• why does Billy Cundiff currently get paid to kick field goals?

So for those of you keeping score at home that was 3 plays above Rex Grossman and 6 Shit only RGIII could do.

Let the RGIII revolution continue.  The future looks promising.

Every time McCannon and I play a board game

My point being that A Song of Ice and Fire is absolutely something that you have to experience. I don’t care if you are young or old, male or female, or whether you love fantasy or can’t stand it. This series has something for every single walk of life. Without further ado, here are the five reasons you should drop everything you are doing and immerse yourself in Game of Thrones. As always, the reasons are in reverse order. And don’t worry, there are no major spoilers ahead.

1) Everybody you know has recommended it to you: I am a big believer in the idea that just because something is popular doesn’t mean that it is a quality product, sometimes it means the opposite*.  I guarantee you that at least five people have recommended either watching Game of Thrones or told you that you had to read the books, and you are probably a little skeptical.

*Look at Nickelback: Every single song they come out with is a shit stain sandwich that tastes exactly like the previous shit stain sandwich. Yet somehow, they still have rabid fans, make millions of dollars, and get laid significantly more than me or you. 

But guess what? They are ABSOLUTEY right! The quality of both the show and the books really is unmatched. I am not exaggerating at all when I say that I think Game of Thrones Seasons 1 and 2 are some of the best TV seasons in the history of the medium and that the books are my favorite series I have ever read. I know that all the rage these days is being hipster and that we as individuals feel that we can’t like something unless we were the firsts to do so.

Please don’t let that attitude take away from what I promise will be one of the best literary and viewing experiences of your life. Once you take the plunge, you can finally join in in your co-workers conversations, tell your friends to get off your back, and have your mind blown. I haven’t met a single person that has actually dove in and didn’t like what they got*. Seems like a win-win-win to me.

*Eli’s stance: If you can read the prologue of the first book and then put it down, maybe this story isn’t for you. As for Eli, he couldn’t put it down. Neither could I.

2) If you don’t like to read, there is a TV show to watch: This is kind of piggy backing on the previous one, but I think it is still important to point out. Look, I know that over 5000 pages of small text about an imaginary medieval kingdom can seem daunting. And I realize that not everybody has that kind of time, energy, or passion to read. But that is the beauty of what HBO is doing: they are putting together one of the best produced and highest quality programming out there and they are making the plunge much less daunting. You can watch the first couple of seasons, see if you like it, and decide to read it if you want. If not? Well then you’ll eventually have 10 seasons of top-notch television to take up your time! Whatever floats your boat!

It doesn’t hurt that Emilia Clarke is the star of the show and is naked in at least 4 episodes

3) Dragons: Ben Franklin once said, “in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” But I think we all know that there is one more certainty: people love dragons. Whether it is in video games, movies, music, or television; people just can’t get enough of dragons. They are the ultimate magical beast, the final frontier for majestic creatures, and the keeper of secrets. With dragons come power, wealth, and fame. Every little kid dreams of slaying one to save the damsel in distress.  Everybody wants to harness the power of the beast to help them rule the world.

Dragons play a huge role in Westeros, the setting of Game of Thrones, where one hasn’t been seen in over 150 years. But they are omnipresent throughout the narrative and hold the key to many of the mysteries in the universe. They also help speak to many of the themes sprinkled through the books: The illusion of power; strength; fear; secrecy; wealth. Not to mention the fact that they are totally badass.

4) You could spend twice as much time researching theories on the internet about the universe as you could actually reading the books: There is a reason that Star Wars, Star Trek, and Lord of the Rings have such rampant followings: they are amazing universes that are realistic enough that we could find ourselves a part of them while simultaneously letting us escape to a place that is deep, engaging, endless and imaginative. The same can be said for the A Song of Ice and Fire universe.  To me, the sign of a strong universe is one that attracts thousands of fan theories, rampant speculations, and crosses into the main stream conscience.

I have spent probably hundreds of hours researching theories online, playing the board game, and talking about what I think will happen next with my friends. For those of you who have read ALL the books, I strongly recommend checking out both http://www.reddit.com/r/asoiaf and http://towerofthehand.com/ for several hours’ worth of really well thought out theories and speculation, as well as several interesting facts, foreshadowing, and insight that you probably missed on your first read through. It really helps add to the whole experience when reading the last chapter of the last book is only just the beginning of the adventure. A big kudos goes out to everybody that has contributed to this community. They are actually coming out with a book that focuses on thematic elements, character development, and general narrative structure. Simply amazing.

5) Shit like this happens throughout the whole series: I dare any of you to watch that scene and not immediately want to jump in. Not much else needs to be said.

Remember, Red[skins fans], hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.

-Andy Dufresne, The Shawshank Redemption

Hope is a good thing…

This isn’t a spoiler alert, its a commandment: if you haven’t seen Shawshank, stop reading this and start watching. This blog post, and your life, will be much better for it. Yes, Rudy, I’m talking to you. Also, keep in mind that this whole thing will read a lot better if you can imagine Morgan Freeman’s voice narrating it to you. Actually, I recommend that for pretty much everything in life.

I’ve been living my life as a football fan trapped in a prison. Each and every Sunday for over 20 years I have been sentenced to torture. Every loss means a week in solitary confinement. When your team loses in the fashion that the ‘Skins lose, you can’t help but feel alone, no matter how many people are in the room with you. Every year yields promise: Maybe this is the year that I get paroled. Every new signing, every coaching change bring change, maybe Steve Spurrier can tell them that it’s a mistake that I’m in here. Maybe Jason Campbell* can prove to them that I’m innocent. By the time Jim Zorn rolled around all of my optimism had been lost.

*Dan Snyder changing offensive coordinators on Campbell every year to start his career was the equivalent of the Warden ordering Tommy shot in the courtyard. Any chance of freedomleft Al Saunders. I bet Jason felt the same way about Saunders’s 700 page playbook that Tommy felt about the GED test.

Dan Snyder is the Warden of every Redskins fan’s prison.

All of a sudden, just when we thought the cycle was starting all over again, a tall drink of water with a silver spoon up his ass walked through the gates. RGIII is our Andy Dufresne. He is smart, confident, capable, and he has no damn business being here. I was skeptical. I bet on him to crack that first night, keeping my expectations low and drafting him in our PO Life bad quarterback’s league.

It turns out, I was wrong about him. Griffin didn’t fold in his first NFL experience, he shined. Griffin completed pass after pass and looked like a real NFL quarterback. Yes, the ‘Skins used some goofy formations and creative playcalling, but Griffin stood in the pocket and made great throws. By the end of the game, I knew there was something different about him. Redskins fans sat back on our couches with the sun on our shoulders and felt like free men (and women) again. We were the lords of all creation.

Griffin is the author of our redemption.

I wish I could tell you that Griffin had fought the good fight, and the NFL defenses let him be, but the NFL is no fairytale world. Every week, Griffin shows up with a fresh set of bruises. Defenses* will keep at him. Sometimes he will be able to fight ‘em off, sometimes not. And that’s how it will go for Griffin – that will be his routine. I also believe that if things keep going on that way, the Redskins might get the best of him.

*Am I comparing Cortland Finnegan to Boggs? Yes, I absolutely am.

I think you’d be hard-pressed to find an NFL player that disagrees with this analogy.

Things are different now. In the past, my prison of fandom was a place where hope died. While the rest of DC was building their hype over the offseason, I lamented the fact that despite some cosmetic changes, we didn’t have the team to compete. Yes, we brought in that pricy free agent wideout and signed a couple of safeties but the O-line is weak and the team lacks depth. A stiff breeze would knock us over.

Fed Ex Field is my own personal Shawshank. It is cold, lifeless, and a place where hope goes to die.

Now, I feel the winds changing. I’m stuck in the same place but there’s promise that something new may happen, that things will change. Last week, the ‘Skins were down big — the Bengals were up 17 points just before halftime. In most years, that would have been the game. This year though, Griffin brought the team back. After tying things up, the Redskins went down two touchdowns half way through the fourth. Somehow, I still believed. I still had faith that Griffin could bring them back. He came so damn close, scoring one touchdown and driving the team within 20 yards of another before sacks and penalties forced the game away.

That’s the thing though. The Redskins are 1-2. They are in a familiar place, last in the NFC East. They may even be one of the worst teams in football*. Somehow, this season feels different.

*That lack of depth is rearing its ugly head. Injuries have already taken a toll and I don’t expect that team health will improve as the season goes along.

The difference is Griffin. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is promise that tomorrow will be a better day. I have faith that next season will bring a better team. I believe that even if we won’t win every game, we have a chance. That was the difference last week against Cincinnati: we were down, but we were never out. No matter how slim the chance, I believed that Griffin could lead us through it.

RGIII is on pace to throw and run for over 5,000 yards… That’s the length of 50 football fields. Just short of ten miles.

We are not out of prison yet. There is a long road ahead of us. You, me, and RGIII have to crawl through the river of shit that is a rebuilding football team. But I have hope that we can come out clean on the other side. I hope the Lombardi trophy is as bright as it is in my dreams.

Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day in Raymond K. Hessel’s life. His breakfast will taste better than any meal you and I have ever tasted.

This is what it feels like.  The colors of the leaves on the trees are more vivid, the food tastes richer, the breeze on your face as you drive with the windows down feels cooler; everything just feels better.  So in celebration of getting home, I bring to you the Five Best Things about Being Back in America…  In no particular order.

1) Pavement: For anyone who hasn’t lived the majority of their life in a 1st world country…  Large portions of the rest of the world are not blessed with particularly great infrastructure.  Afghanistan, continuously being in the bottom 10 poorest countries in the world, is no exception.  My first deployment I spent almost the entire time driving on some of the worst roads in the world.  Trying to get from Point A to Point B on a road where you have to stop every couple hundred meters just to avoid a massive hole (I won’t even get into the IEDs that produced them- because that’s just not the direction we’re going with this post) is incredibly frustrating.

Worse than the roads though, is walking on gravel every day all day.  The amount of gravel purchased and used by the US Army in Afghanistan would easily fill this hole

with plenty to spare.  Spending every day trudging through the stuff gets old very quickly. Just being able to go for a stroll around the block on a combination of well constructed roads and sidewalks is fantastic.

2) Couches: It’s a verifiable fact that couches are the most underrated personal possession in any family’s inventory. You hear a lot of, “Oh nice car,” or “did you get the new iPhone 5?” but usually unless you just got a new one, people don’t comment a whole lot on the comfiness of a couch. This is a national tragedy. Furthermore, upon googling if there is a national couch day, the first link I found (answers.yahoo) said no. Which is unquestionable proof. Chairs are all well and good, and lying in bed is of course great, but there is just something about kicking back on a couch spreading out a bit and doing any number of things. They are are force multipliers. They make pretty much anything more fun. 

3) Clothes that aren’t a Uniform: I’m not really a super well dressed guy (though I am a horribly addicted Gilt shopper- somebody please help me stop) but I’d ask anyone to consider wearing the same thing everyday with two variations.  Boots, pants, and a long sleeve top with a hat and sunglasses, or running shoes, white socks, and the Army Physical Fitness Uniform with sunglasses.  Oh…  you know who else only wears one or two things every single day…  Inmates. And part of the reason wardens insist on this, is to strip away convicts’ identities. The feeling of putting on my most comfortable pair of jeans, a tshirt, and some sandals was in a word splendiferous.  Everybody has that set of clothing (Nike basketball shorts, and an American Flag imprinted Under Armor shirt that says “We must protect this house,”) that they wear around their castle, and is their go-to when they just need to be comfortable.  Getting back into this getup is equally glorious.

Alright… this is actually what I wear around the house.

4) Friends and Family: This one probably goes without saying but was too critical to leave out. For anyone who has never been present for a deployed unit’s homecoming… It is truly something to experience. Take Hugh Grant’s Love Actually comment about the uplifting experience at Heathrow’s Arrivals section and add the fact that everyone coming home could have been killed.

In 2004 I was present when my Uncle’s reserve unit returned from the invasion of Iraq. As they marched across the field to join with their families in the stands, pandemonium ensued. The families in the bleachers could not be contained. They came down on the returning soldiers like a pack of ravenous carebears. It was a sight to see.

Almost a decade later I’ve had two such homecomings. Without a doubt they were polar opposites in many ways, but the one thing that stayed constant was my mom.  Who was at both and was more than prepared to bring on some joyful waterworks. Since I know my mom is one of about five people who read my posts, just thought I’d give her a shout out and a thanks.

Though my particular group of friends like to write posts exaggerating some of my past exploits, and as Rudy mentioned “My deployed friend has now sent our house in Clarendon more packages than we have sent him in Afghanistan,” spending some time with these clowns (read- drinking, arguing, and endlessly ragging on each other) is pretty much the best. 

5) Freedom: Quite paradoxically, soldiers spend a large percentage of their time with limited to no freedom, in order for the other 99% of American’s to enjoy theirs. This isn’t me getting on a high horse.  The way this country has continuously separated political decisions by our government from supporting our troops is incredible.  (Nearly) everyday of my short Army career I have felt supremely appreciated by my fellow Americans. From random people buying me drinks in airports (I’m wasn’t even in uniform, but the bad haircut gives it away), to shaking hands with WW2 veterans in Maine on our way out, we are given rockstar treatment and it means a lot to us.

Yet, while deployed we have almost no personal freedom.  Want to go grab a bite to eat?  Sure, if the DFAC is open.  How about driving down the… oh wait, there is no where to go except from your tent to the office, to the gym, to the DFAC… and that’s about it.  This type of insulation goes against everything that makes us American.  Americans love wide open spaces because wide open spaces breed big ideas and limitless possibilities.  We like trying new things, seeing new places, and taking chances.  We’re a people born for adventure, discovery, and ambition.  Coming home now, as the leaves start to change, the smell of limitless possibilities is pungent in my nostrils.  What does the future hold?  The beauty of being American is the freedom to build that future through my own will and determination.  And that is completely worth dressing like an inmate and walking on gravel all day.

Honorable Mention:

Robin Meade

3G/4G Cellular Service

Freshly Cut Grass

$5 Footlongs at Subway

The Radio